A word for me filled with such guilt and yet relief. I’d promised myself I’d give up focusing on the postpartum weight lost. I’d let go of the negative body self talk if it mean feeding you. I’d throw everything towards nurturing a healthy little boy and guess what. We made it 3 months longer than I thought we could. Yet, I still feel guilt. Guilt for slowing down. Guilt for not pumping more. Guilt for being impatient with you as you’re impatient with me. And now, guilt because of the formula shortage. But at the same time, I also know… we are both just, ready.
Sarah Nicole Landry put it so beautifully in an instagram post where she talked about her own experience with weaning.
“It’s not often we get a moment where we know things are changing, a chapter is closing, as we ready for the next.
I remember once reading a mother’s sentiments in the moment she realized she had washed her daughter’s hair for the last time, without realizing she had.
Some chapters close with a slap of the book covers, while others a soft turning of the page.
Ours has been coming for a while.
I would love to say it’s just been my milk supply or [he’s weaned himself], but the reality is – we’re just ready.
But within all of our readiness, there is still a goodbye.
As we latch onto new things, new bonds, new experiences.
Feeding [him] this way has not always been enjoyable.
For me it has been:
Bonding, and also lonely.
Convenient, yet demanding.
Magical, and sometimes frustrating.
Closeness, yet being touched out.
There has been constant duality to it.
It is not one or the other, it is both.
Enjoyable, and not always.
It’s taken me a lot to say that.
Whether ready, rushed, chosen or not, when the chapter ends I will, most likely, have feelings of both relief and sadness.
May these pictures serve to remind me of the bonding magical closeness we had through each latch. May they serve to show me how we lose none of it,
I feel these words in my core. I’m beyond thankful for the bond we built in this chapter, and thankful that it’s closing too. To be able to release the anxiety that comes with breastfeeding and constantly second guessing myself and my body. But I’m so glad we made it this far and a big thank you Vanessa for taking a quick pit stop by the bougainvillea to document the end of this stage for me!